I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
