i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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