Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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