I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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