omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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