had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
