took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
