Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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