god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
