Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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