I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
