so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
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He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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