I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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