Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
