when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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