I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
