I just made out with a guy for $7.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
