BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
