Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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