Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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