Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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