just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
