Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
