How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
