i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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