And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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