Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
