Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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