Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
