I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
