I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The beer is more important than you right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
