i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We smell like vodka and hangover
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