then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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