and my herpes radar will keep us safe
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
