How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
