he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
