So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize