she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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