normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
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he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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