Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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