Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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