oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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