You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
