hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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