I just pynch a tree in the face
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
What a dumb baby whore.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
