I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
