My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
