In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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