the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
