You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
