Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
