Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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