Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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