We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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