He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
