So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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