Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
